Life with kids gets hectic at times. There are days we have it altogether and others, well… you know what those other days are like. The kids are fighting amongst each other, dinner needs to be cooked, homework still needs reviewing, adult business matters need tending, and everyone needs to be washed up and ready for bedtime stories. Let’s be honest, there are days the kids skip the shower or even story time altogether and adult work waits till tomorrow.
I am a wife to a husband who travels for many months at a time. Making the transition into a one-parent home and back again is trying, especially when you’re a working mother. This one factor alone creates added responsibilities and emotional shifts to our family dynamic. Whether you’re a single parent or not, every family has experiences with frustration and exhaustion. These moments can be further exacerbated by forgetting to take time for ourselves. I am not the perfect parent, and nor will I ever claim to be. I work hard to be mindful of my reactions and how they can affect the ones I love. Creating calming rituals for myself, and with the girls, is key for me/us in managing the ever-changing dynamics of our family.
Being a parent in general can cause the nervous system to become uneasy. When the kids are arguing and a meltdown takes place, especially in the middle of a public setting, our body prepares itself for a fight or flight response. Often this reduces our patience even further and sometimes it is the breaking point. As parents we try to practice mindfulness in these situations, and we try to help encourage our children to do the same when in the midst of a stressful event. We want our children to be able to express their emotions in a way that is healthy without the whole restaurant unavoidably listening into the conversation. These are the moments when I have to tune out what really doesn’t matter and tune in to what does, and meditation assists me in honing this skill.
I start by bringing inner awareness to my own body first. I take time to realign my thoughts and emotions for clarity, of course sometimes this has to happen in a split second. Basic concepts of observation, inner listening are all meditation techniques I am learning as a yoga teacher and a mom. Daily practice of these mindfulness methods, help me tremendously in these moments with my children. I introduced these key concepts of meditation to my girl’s early on in their lives. Book knowledge tells me meditation offers them children life long skills to build brain function and retention, as well as the capacity to be better self-regulators. Real-time knowledge demonstrates meditation’s power to me every day.
There are many challenges that occur with raising children, especially girls. Emotions can get high creating a chemical imbalance within their beings and learning to counteract this physiological affect is key to living a peaceful life with three girls. How does one remain mindful in stressful situation? How can we decrease anxiety and improve the emotional stability for our children (and ourselves) so the impact is sustainable happiness and peace of mind?
In our house we have two set times for meditative rituals. We gather together in the moments before we walk out the door for school. We take a moment of stillness. Often my youngest, Maddie (5), will grab the singing bowl I use for teaching and dings it. Though she is playing around at times, it sets a tone for all of us. The other set time is after school when emotions are very high, myself included.
I have introduced a mantra as well, this is especially helpful during the extra energy moments. I find myself spontaneously incorporating mantra chanting into our daily home lives by becoming more mindful of the practice itself. While I drive the girls to school or while washing the dishes I’ll chant mantras, repeat positive affirmations. My intention is to liberate and expand their consciousness, unbeknownst to them.
I noticed after introducing it to them the oldest, Adalina (10), headed up a research party. She and the little ones went online looking for a video so they could learn the mantra. Om. They told me they wanted to join in singing. Sometimes as we brush our teeth, sometimes as we prepare for bed they request to sing it. I know when they recite it they feel the vibration. I can literally see the negativity vanishing. I am uncertain they realize this, which is just fine. I can see how all these techniques are subtlely and naturally helping them become calmer and more confident. They pick up on the authentic feelings and energy. It gives them the desire to settle into a time of relaxation while simultaneously sharpening their own minds. When we meditate our body under goes a structural change resulting in relaxation and improved functioning of our entire body. By incorporating a time to check in with the body, we allow our children to solve problems within themselves.
On a physical level, meditation increases our serotonin production, which improves our mood and behavior. That may explain why the kids feel so much happier and compassionate toward one another after sitting in stillness for at least a few minutes. When I say stillness I don’t mean this image we paint in our head of eyes closed and everyone stone silent. There is no perfect circle, no magical moment where everyone is listening and no one is fidgeting. However, it is in the moments in between; this is where real life happens. In these moments the true practice of mindfulness becomes tested. Real life put into action. I still hear the complaining of the “do we have too, this is boring, ugh, I don’t want her touching or looking at me “ the list is endless of what they can come up with. Incorporating a healthy practice of mindfulness benefits theirs and my life everyday. I have witnessed this firsthand, with higher self-esteem, understanding, and compassion in my own girls. Which in turn has a huge effect on the whole family and the ones we love.
Ultimately, we must be willing to be the change we want to see in our children’s lives, and the world around us. I am not the perfect parent nor will I ever claim to be, however, I will hold myself accountable to consciously honor my true self and set time aside to recalibrate my own mind, body, and spirit. How do I do this? I take a bit of time for myself, even if it’s five to ten minutes every other day. As long as I make a conscious decision to set time aside to honor myself first, the shift in energy begins. I take this time to still the mind from the thoughts of the busyness of my every day to gain clarity and have peace of mind for my family. Again, there is no perfect way of breathing, sitting, or even moment, as parents we must just take the little time we have and work to make the best of every situation.
When we do so consciously we make a difference in our children’s lives, providing them a means for living a sustainable, peaceful life now and into the future.